nothing else can get you through the night

my friend was obscurely mentioned in a paper recently. i'm saying this simply to let you know that although i might not be all over the news myself, i also have cool friends. or one anyway.

for the first time in ages i'm listening to bon jovi's 'slippery when wet'. this is a result of that i lack that cd and now found it on tape as i went through my old tapes to try to find one to tape over. of course, tapes are not that common in today's world so this might call for an explanation... well, my car stereo is ancient. so i thought i'd get together som nice... say e.g. opera tapes for the car but couldn't find a tape i had the heart to erase. i mean i used to be a fanatic bon jovi fan when i was younger and although i have to say now that i'm listening to it - it probably wouldn't be a great loss ('cause quite frankly this isn't good...), i don't have the heart. and the rest of the tapes contain old eurovision song contests, which, obviously, are sacred in the house of me.

the conclusion of this is merely that i have to settle for P3, the best swedish radio station, unless of course i want to spend hours in the car hearing a young jon bon jovi telling me that there is nothing without love. because one can't still BUY new tapes, can one?

vän av ordning

jag ska städa idag. det är så att säga syftet för denna dagens existens. prydlighetens, renhetens och det goda samvetets dag. och visst borde man vara ute på promenad i vårvädret, för vem vet hur länge det varar och jag har schlagerspellistan igång och det borde bara komma av sig självt. och i den avsaknad av datum som jag för tillfället lever i, där veckodagar och klockslag är allt som ordnar in tiden, råkade jag missa att min kompis fyllde år igår. det var inte alls bra. inte alls. jag funderar på det mest oväntade sättet att reparera för det på. kanske gör det att jag måste vänta i dagar. kreativiteten är inte på topp idag. tur att det inte behövs för städning.



och idag flyttar du ifrån honom.

det är vad du gör. viss skillnad. på sitt sätt det mest skrämmande jag kan tänka mig. för jag ser hur du och jag ändå tuggar på. samma gamla hjulspår. samma tryckande tomhetsleenden, samma bisarra hej. jag ler ett alldeles speciellt leende just när jag säger hej till dig. jag hoppas att det är ett leende som dör ut med dig. med tiden. som aldrig letar sig tillbaka senare i livet. jag hatar det leendet.

life kernel

there are currently a lot of concerning self-image issues surrounding your presence. i don't like myself around you, yet i still want nothing more than to be near you. you see, whenever i start freeing myself from your being someone else always steps in and tells me not to. just not yet. just in case. and it's never in case i'll benefit from hanging around, but it's always for your sake. and still, i have loved you too much not to heed to such pleas for your (future) well-being.

and then, of course, i need to study. and spend time with my friends. and start looking for jobs. and, well, i suppose one day fall for someone else. today though, i suppose you're not showing up. if you were, i suppose i would know somehow. yet, one day, somehow, we're going to need to find a way to speak to each other again. and in a way you're trying, i know, but i'm not there yet that i can speak of insignificant things with you. it appears oh so false somehow.

sunrise

my cat is sound alseep in my lap and since i'm already feeling bad about leaving her to go to work, i don't have the heart to wake her up so that i can get around to the million-and-one things i'm supposed to be doing. so poor old me have to blog and listen (again) (and again and again) to the lovely "live forever" by magnus carlsson. not that my computer isn't full of more music, it's just the choice i've made.

to update on the beautiful situation with my favourite person in the whole wide world, i was kind of surprised how quickly i forgave myself for letting her back in, dragging her fucked up world with her. i kicked her out again though, although she might not know this yet, and she's not coming back in. i know she could be a lovely person, but if she wants to destroy her life to be able to go on complaining and proving that her life is sooooo hard and complicated she can sink without me. there's no love in going down with someone although this world seems to want us to be under that impression. the smoothness with which she was booted out might have something to do with a nice young man with beautiful features, but who knows. maybe i would already be here without him as well. (how the heteros/homos of the world get by i will never understand.) it was definately the right time for him to come wandering back in to my path. i've missed the beautiful men. thank you, faith.

what else? the chaos of snow is making me apprehensive about going to work, but then, i'm not sure i can afford not to.


i'm gonna live forever. don't you ever forget.

disrupted

and so she came back.

and what's a girl to do?

i mean, after all, she came back, and again I am awake. this time, however, not feeling terrible. i am not upset, not worried. not crying. i cannot explain what i can only percieve as an unwillingness to take in what has happened. i cannot make out which one of the two of us i am protecting. maybe my heart. maybe her place in it. i really thought she was gone. she was there tonight and i could feel removed from her and then, she was there.

my love for her is not logical. not sensible nor in any way good. yet i will never again deny that it's there. it's so warm, so complete that i no longer fear thinking of it. instead it leaves me completely calm knowing that i can host these unconditional feelings for another human being. i suppose i feared myself incapable of it before (aside my immediate family).

i love you. jag älskar dig. inga krusiduller. fullständigt förutsättningslöst.

dizzyness

it has been the most intense emotional roller coaster of my life which didn't envolve relations with another living being. as i told you, i fell in love. and then i didn't hear from the person at whose mercy i found myself. but then i suddenly did. and i misunderstood her profoundly and i was floating with the stars. and then, of course, she made me crash. hard. completely lacking a parachute. and i had to be nice and friendly and focusing on selling myself while i was completely breaking apart inside. it was the one thing which i wasn't able to cope with. and finally i came home and i broke into a million wet little pieces. and my body shivvered and my mind went into eighty different directions and my eyes simlpy refused to dry up. it was as if three months of psychological stress came out all at once. i felt so incredibly small. or maybe insignificantly small.

then i was empty at work, dealing with a mind in chaos and a body which screamed for tea and a blanket and painkillers left at home. i was thus feeling physically sick. overall, a hell of a friday. and then she didn't call back on monday the way she promised and i tired out on society and then today, finally, she called and said it was mine. and i guess i was happy, but not at all in the way i was the first time around. i suppose now i am still sceptical and will remain so until both my and her names are on a certain contract. anyway, now i am hoping for the ability to focus somewhat more on studying and getting my academic life together. wish me disciplin. i'll need it.

it's like... a PROBLEM

oh, like you care anyway! but yes, i have been away. i know. i'm like an abscent parent to my blogg.

anyway, today i'm stuck with this feeling of uncomfortableness. and i know it's because i feel myself getting extremly interested in something which is not mine and might never turn out to be. so i had decided not to like it, not to create hopes and start planning for my cozy future and yet - there i walk through the door and i fall just a little bit in love.

no, it's not an antique piece of furniture or a cute little kitten to put in my next flat. IT'S THE GODDAMN ENTIRE FLAT. see, i have no place to put myself and my feelings of self-worth (a.k.a. my material things) beyond november 30. and there it is, a flat offered to me, as of december 1. euphoria. PROBLEM: not offered to me alone. and this problem was of course why i wasn't supposed to like it. and now, i have to experience unwanted hope and desire just so that someone might deny me my smile and calmness.

it's extremely frustrating to not be able to do something about a situation which includes oneself. cross your fingers for me. or hold your thumbs. in case you happen to be swedish.