dizzyness

it has been the most intense emotional roller coaster of my life which didn't envolve relations with another living being. as i told you, i fell in love. and then i didn't hear from the person at whose mercy i found myself. but then i suddenly did. and i misunderstood her profoundly and i was floating with the stars. and then, of course, she made me crash. hard. completely lacking a parachute. and i had to be nice and friendly and focusing on selling myself while i was completely breaking apart inside. it was the one thing which i wasn't able to cope with. and finally i came home and i broke into a million wet little pieces. and my body shivvered and my mind went into eighty different directions and my eyes simlpy refused to dry up. it was as if three months of psychological stress came out all at once. i felt so incredibly small. or maybe insignificantly small.

then i was empty at work, dealing with a mind in chaos and a body which screamed for tea and a blanket and painkillers left at home. i was thus feeling physically sick. overall, a hell of a friday. and then she didn't call back on monday the way she promised and i tired out on society and then today, finally, she called and said it was mine. and i guess i was happy, but not at all in the way i was the first time around. i suppose now i am still sceptical and will remain so until both my and her names are on a certain contract. anyway, now i am hoping for the ability to focus somewhat more on studying and getting my academic life together. wish me disciplin. i'll need it.

it's like... a PROBLEM

oh, like you care anyway! but yes, i have been away. i know. i'm like an abscent parent to my blogg.

anyway, today i'm stuck with this feeling of uncomfortableness. and i know it's because i feel myself getting extremly interested in something which is not mine and might never turn out to be. so i had decided not to like it, not to create hopes and start planning for my cozy future and yet - there i walk through the door and i fall just a little bit in love.

no, it's not an antique piece of furniture or a cute little kitten to put in my next flat. IT'S THE GODDAMN ENTIRE FLAT. see, i have no place to put myself and my feelings of self-worth (a.k.a. my material things) beyond november 30. and there it is, a flat offered to me, as of december 1. euphoria. PROBLEM: not offered to me alone. and this problem was of course why i wasn't supposed to like it. and now, i have to experience unwanted hope and desire just so that someone might deny me my smile and calmness.

it's extremely frustrating to not be able to do something about a situation which includes oneself. cross your fingers for me. or hold your thumbs. in case you happen to be swedish.

same old song and dance.

this is not full of insight or wisdom or profound in any way.

i just wish that once, someone I like could like me back.

it´s as simple as that. but maybe i'm just not loveable.

afterall.

in the end.

i suppose one day one ought to ask oneself the question. i am so ready to love someone that the entirety of my being trembles. i don't know how to get it all out.

whenever

as it washes over you, you know why it is the only thing good enough for you. why nice will not move you, why cute is nothing, how it all just collapses next to beauty. see, it is the kind of beauty which brings tears to your eyes. and it pulls you near and even if there was a reason for you to want to fight it, you would find no way to do so. it is one immense act of succumbing and it is the moment when your soul melts into your physical being.

it is the only one thing, the only experience which moves beyond emotions, forceful enough to make the entirety of my being tremble. it is all we are looking for. it is the heart-wrenching passion. yet all grounded in the most complete and harmonious affection.

kapitulation

när jag tillslut lade logiken åt sidan och gav efter för fysiken och kroppen som inte ville sova blev det en enastående morgon. fullständig kapitulation för vardagens små under. det är vansinnigt hur många timmar i streck jag har varit vaken utan synbar anledning, och hur pass bra det känns fortfarande. men det var så obeskrivligt ljust och trots tröttheten i kroppen ville allting bara inte sova bort detta nypåbörjade dygn och jag fick rycka på axlarna och gå upp igen. årets bästa promenad under en klarblå, molnfri himmel och med solen i ögonen. min stad är vacker. vårt kulturlandskap är vackert. jag älskar att stå högt upp och få titta ut över det som om det vore bara mitt. och samtidigt fascineras och värmas av att se hur så många andra människor är vakna och uppe och igång så tidigt.

så med två stora metalltjurar till sällskap väntade jag in mataffärens öppningsklockslag och sen satte jag igång med dagen på allvar.

on image

so, i don't care very much about image. i haven't paid very much attention to this fact before, but it is apparently so. i live my life very much in the spirit of "if you get the wrong impression based on prejudice - your loss". now this all boils down to that in the end, all the unpretty and useless sides aside, i really like myself. not in an "oh my gosh - i'm gorgeous"-way, but in an "i intend to stick with what i've got going on here"-way. and based in this (disillusion?), i just don't bother about those who glance at my surface, work me all out and then shake their heads. i won't ever force anyone to stick around at gun point.

this, of course, is somewhat of a lousy strategy since i myself judge others by first impression quite frequently. more rule than exception really. (like i told you: unpretty and useless sides as well.) but those people are my loss for not knowing, not theirs. of this i am very clear and certain.

and in a twisted way, with me, what you first see is both exactly and yet nothing at all like what you get in the end. and the conclusion of today's words of wisdom from your heroine of love is that; if you don't force people to stick around and you don't change about yourself what they don't like about you, then all the friends you end up with in the end will be the ones who actually love you. and who will stick by you. come rain or come shine. and i love them too, and i would any day shout it out from the highest of mountain peaks.

on expectation

i realised today that i truly dislike being the centre of attention. and so, i do not dislike crowds as much when i can be an "innocent" bystander as when i have to deal with being at everybody's focal point. it is not a result of being unhappy with what i have to put on display, but it is merely a feeling of not wanting to be judged. it doesn't matter to me if you judge me well, i simply dislike the act itself. and this is not something in regard to which i previously to this evening lived in complete oblivion, but still it was reinforced.

all the same this has been a splendid day. for many reasons in general and for one in particular. i now own the book. jag äger boken nu. det är som att hela jag skälver. hjärtat klappar, händerna darrar, ögonen stirrar. the anticipation is peaking beyond what could ever be considered resonable. but i am leaving it for tomorrow. a reason to long out of bed even before being completely aware of that i am becoming awake. to utterly embrace awakedness. to love a sunday. and yes, yet i already fear the moment of the last page. the chaos, the emptiness, the naked pain of once again becoming alone. just like when you kiss the person you love, but who you know all the same does not belong to you.