it has been the most intense emotional roller coaster of my life which didn't envolve relations with another living being. as i told you, i fell in love. and then i didn't hear from the person at whose mercy i found myself. but then i suddenly did. and i misunderstood her profoundly and i was floating with the stars. and then, of course, she made me crash. hard. completely lacking a parachute. and i had to be nice and friendly and focusing on selling myself while i was completely breaking apart inside. it was the one thing which i wasn't able to cope with. and finally i came home and i broke into a million wet little pieces. and my body shivvered and my mind went into eighty different directions and my eyes simlpy refused to dry up. it was as if three months of psychological stress came out all at once. i felt so incredibly small. or maybe insignificantly small.
then i was empty at work, dealing with a mind in chaos and a body which screamed for tea and a blanket and painkillers left at home. i was thus feeling physically sick. overall, a hell of a friday. and then she didn't call back on monday the way she promised and i tired out on society and then today, finally, she called and said it was mine. and i guess i was happy, but not at all in the way i was the first time around. i suppose now i am still sceptical and will remain so until both my and her names are on a certain contract. anyway, now i am hoping for the ability to focus somewhat more on studying and getting my academic life together. wish me disciplin. i'll need it.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Sunday, October 15, 2006
it's like... a PROBLEM
oh, like you care anyway! but yes, i have been away. i know. i'm like an abscent parent to my blogg.
anyway, today i'm stuck with this feeling of uncomfortableness. and i know it's because i feel myself getting extremly interested in something which is not mine and might never turn out to be. so i had decided not to like it, not to create hopes and start planning for my cozy future and yet - there i walk through the door and i fall just a little bit in love.
no, it's not an antique piece of furniture or a cute little kitten to put in my next flat. IT'S THE GODDAMN ENTIRE FLAT. see, i have no place to put myself and my feelings of self-worth (a.k.a. my material things) beyond november 30. and there it is, a flat offered to me, as of december 1. euphoria. PROBLEM: not offered to me alone. and this problem was of course why i wasn't supposed to like it. and now, i have to experience unwanted hope and desire just so that someone might deny me my smile and calmness.
it's extremely frustrating to not be able to do something about a situation which includes oneself. cross your fingers for me. or hold your thumbs. in case you happen to be swedish.
anyway, today i'm stuck with this feeling of uncomfortableness. and i know it's because i feel myself getting extremly interested in something which is not mine and might never turn out to be. so i had decided not to like it, not to create hopes and start planning for my cozy future and yet - there i walk through the door and i fall just a little bit in love.
no, it's not an antique piece of furniture or a cute little kitten to put in my next flat. IT'S THE GODDAMN ENTIRE FLAT. see, i have no place to put myself and my feelings of self-worth (a.k.a. my material things) beyond november 30. and there it is, a flat offered to me, as of december 1. euphoria. PROBLEM: not offered to me alone. and this problem was of course why i wasn't supposed to like it. and now, i have to experience unwanted hope and desire just so that someone might deny me my smile and calmness.
it's extremely frustrating to not be able to do something about a situation which includes oneself. cross your fingers for me. or hold your thumbs. in case you happen to be swedish.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
