oh, like you care anyway! but yes, i have been away. i know. i'm like an abscent parent to my blogg.
anyway, today i'm stuck with this feeling of uncomfortableness. and i know it's because i feel myself getting extremly interested in something which is not mine and might never turn out to be. so i had decided not to like it, not to create hopes and start planning for my cozy future and yet - there i walk through the door and i fall just a little bit in love.
no, it's not an antique piece of furniture or a cute little kitten to put in my next flat. IT'S THE GODDAMN ENTIRE FLAT. see, i have no place to put myself and my feelings of self-worth (a.k.a. my material things) beyond november 30. and there it is, a flat offered to me, as of december 1. euphoria. PROBLEM: not offered to me alone. and this problem was of course why i wasn't supposed to like it. and now, i have to experience unwanted hope and desire just so that someone might deny me my smile and calmness.
it's extremely frustrating to not be able to do something about a situation which includes oneself. cross your fingers for me. or hold your thumbs. in case you happen to be swedish.
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