whenever

as it washes over you, you know why it is the only thing good enough for you. why nice will not move you, why cute is nothing, how it all just collapses next to beauty. see, it is the kind of beauty which brings tears to your eyes. and it pulls you near and even if there was a reason for you to want to fight it, you would find no way to do so. it is one immense act of succumbing and it is the moment when your soul melts into your physical being.

it is the only one thing, the only experience which moves beyond emotions, forceful enough to make the entirety of my being tremble. it is all we are looking for. it is the heart-wrenching passion. yet all grounded in the most complete and harmonious affection.

kapitulation

när jag tillslut lade logiken åt sidan och gav efter för fysiken och kroppen som inte ville sova blev det en enastående morgon. fullständig kapitulation för vardagens små under. det är vansinnigt hur många timmar i streck jag har varit vaken utan synbar anledning, och hur pass bra det känns fortfarande. men det var så obeskrivligt ljust och trots tröttheten i kroppen ville allting bara inte sova bort detta nypåbörjade dygn och jag fick rycka på axlarna och gå upp igen. årets bästa promenad under en klarblå, molnfri himmel och med solen i ögonen. min stad är vacker. vårt kulturlandskap är vackert. jag älskar att stå högt upp och få titta ut över det som om det vore bara mitt. och samtidigt fascineras och värmas av att se hur så många andra människor är vakna och uppe och igång så tidigt.

så med två stora metalltjurar till sällskap väntade jag in mataffärens öppningsklockslag och sen satte jag igång med dagen på allvar.

on image

so, i don't care very much about image. i haven't paid very much attention to this fact before, but it is apparently so. i live my life very much in the spirit of "if you get the wrong impression based on prejudice - your loss". now this all boils down to that in the end, all the unpretty and useless sides aside, i really like myself. not in an "oh my gosh - i'm gorgeous"-way, but in an "i intend to stick with what i've got going on here"-way. and based in this (disillusion?), i just don't bother about those who glance at my surface, work me all out and then shake their heads. i won't ever force anyone to stick around at gun point.

this, of course, is somewhat of a lousy strategy since i myself judge others by first impression quite frequently. more rule than exception really. (like i told you: unpretty and useless sides as well.) but those people are my loss for not knowing, not theirs. of this i am very clear and certain.

and in a twisted way, with me, what you first see is both exactly and yet nothing at all like what you get in the end. and the conclusion of today's words of wisdom from your heroine of love is that; if you don't force people to stick around and you don't change about yourself what they don't like about you, then all the friends you end up with in the end will be the ones who actually love you. and who will stick by you. come rain or come shine. and i love them too, and i would any day shout it out from the highest of mountain peaks.

on expectation

i realised today that i truly dislike being the centre of attention. and so, i do not dislike crowds as much when i can be an "innocent" bystander as when i have to deal with being at everybody's focal point. it is not a result of being unhappy with what i have to put on display, but it is merely a feeling of not wanting to be judged. it doesn't matter to me if you judge me well, i simply dislike the act itself. and this is not something in regard to which i previously to this evening lived in complete oblivion, but still it was reinforced.

all the same this has been a splendid day. for many reasons in general and for one in particular. i now own the book. jag äger boken nu. det är som att hela jag skälver. hjärtat klappar, händerna darrar, ögonen stirrar. the anticipation is peaking beyond what could ever be considered resonable. but i am leaving it for tomorrow. a reason to long out of bed even before being completely aware of that i am becoming awake. to utterly embrace awakedness. to love a sunday. and yes, yet i already fear the moment of the last page. the chaos, the emptiness, the naked pain of once again becoming alone. just like when you kiss the person you love, but who you know all the same does not belong to you.

hommage till de som förtjänar den

när man tänker efter finns kanske ingenting viktigare än vänskapen. i sina vänskaper lägger man grunden för hur man ska komma att se på alla andra människor. ens familj får man ta för vad den är, men ens vänner; de har man förbehållsamheten, rätten och ansvaret att välja fritt.

därför blir svek från ens vänner en spegling av det vidrigaste människan kan uppbåda i sin natur, medan de varmaste handlingarna blir en sann insikt i varför människan trots allt fortfarande befolkar världen.

visst har jag valt fel en och annan gång och kanske har det konsumerat mig för ingående, men det här är en stund för de fantastiska vännerna. ni kör över de som har sjunkit ner i dyn med ångvält (utan att sjunka själva, märk väl!). kick ass girls and hard core boys. eller bara allmänna mjukisdjur.

because, in the end, what it all boils down to is that we know where we stand. it is how i always want it to be. solid. dependable. and just a teeny, tiny bit crazy.

up on the barricades.

i dreamt of a blue day last night. the day of the blue. the world-changing blue dot. i have never been much of an activist, whatever the topic, but the dream was good all the same. and so it caused me to mark my blog. while we wait for the blue day. or for when it's no longer needed. (yes. that was the one laugh which i will offer you today. slit det med hälsan. ett gott skratt förlänger livet.)

so apart from this year's activist effort, my mind is full of anticipation for the book i so desperately want to read. how my heart and soul crave this man's words. constellations, compositions. ideas and inner worlds. if there is a literary mind which i envy alongside karin boye's and aleksander hemon's, it's his.
http://www.panorstedt.se/templates/norstedts/NorBook.aspx?id=42138

so i am awake

not only when i ought not to be, but when i don't want to be. and yes, it's because of you.

i want you out. i want you gone. from me and how i define myself. from my teary eyes. from my distorted mind and self-image. clean out of my heart. du är som en vagel i mitt förblindade hjärta. i was whole before i met you. my vision was clear and untwisted. now, i am not even sure that there is a point in seeing at all. why won't you go? i do not want you here. you do not want to be here. so you see, there is no point in me being awake.

but there is a problem. you didn't simply rock my world. you disrupted the entire galaxy. you are so beautiful that my eyes go wet and choirs sing. whether you are with me or not, your composition disrupts entire systems. it has been so since the first day that i saw you. it will be so until the end. this is not a love poem. although the heavens know such items exist. this is merely a fragment of the never-ending flow of words saying that i need you gone. but i cannot find the door to let you out and so i am awake. with those two pages of the book that was written in advance of your being to emancipate my feelings, i am awake.

tiresome

how is it that some people fall so easily in love with others while the rest of us seem more inclined to just feel brief tinkles in the heart area that 98 times out of a hundered then simply go away? if some get to feel what i feel those 2 times basically all the time, then this world is not fair.

because people like me will do you wrong. we will meet you, fall for you, tell you that we want to see you again but then we will change our minds. and we have to find the way to say "no" without making it sound trivial, while at the same time not making it sound as if we believe it will be the end of your world. and sometimes this personal insight makes me not want to meet people. but then i have my moments when i decide that i have to try to change. and someone who is nice and good in every way becomes my new guinea pig. for this i am sorry.

i want the heart-wrenching passion which so far only has created chaos and despair in me. still i want it. i crave it. i want to find it with someone who will then mobilize the strength to stand fast by my side. i want to every day be amazed by the complete beauty that is you. i want to be in awe of you. i want to feel that i am the one who's trying to play out of my league. i want to be somewhat afraid. i don't ever want to play it safe. i want the heart-wrenching passion.

but i am tired of being always alone in my search for it. forgive me.

essence

i have been thinking about my choice of language. it wasn't a conscious choice, it was simply made in the back of my mind. or heart or wherever. i am not promising that i will stick to this choice. overall i tend to stay away from the entire promise-making business. it will only force you downhill one day when you really didn't need it to. i think this might be why i am not religious. but that is a topic for another day completely.

this world sees far too many promises. of love, of help and of compassion and time. and in the middle of all the promises the origins of the words are lost. i spend so much time claiming that i wish i was a better world citizen that it's not only ridiculous, but actually bordering on offensive and something that ought to be illegal. i claim i want a better environment but i stand in the shower for ages some days, i shout out for knowledge but i don't spend remotely enough hours a day actually reading for a full-time student. and here i am again; complaining rather that actually doing. it's the story of my patheticness. when i feel bad enough i talk about it, i write about it, but i don't even open a book to prove myself wrong.

all the same i try to care for our important words. like love. never stop fighting to give those words a public meaning which equals the one in your own heart. so many in this world have it all wrong. teach that love is never anything which in any way can be experienced as abuse.

and listen to 'revolution of love' - joey tempest. because that is acutally all i wanted to convey anyway. only so much better put.

i wish i would hear you. but i am afraid i truly don't.

when do we know that our thoughts have run all the way through wherever they need to go before they can be trusted not to change.

for a month. for a day. for a minute.

this world is so set on fixed ideas, beliefs, positions and morals. it scares me how we judge those who change their minds in public. we celebrate democracy but we despise those who actually embrace its core value. we push them away as weak. as uncertain and look upon them as if they are the ones who had not thought life through on a deep enough level. it scares me.

i am so set in my ways. i know what i feel. what i need. what i dream of. for me. for you. for everything. i am no clean slate every morning. i do not meet those different from myself eager to hear them out. longing to disrupt my own truth.

i love when people confront prejudice. in me. but that is only when i feel that i know that some things in me are clashing with how i want to think. to feel. moral dilemma no more.

i love the grey but i fear how we step in our own ways of actually living there.