on expectation

i realised today that i truly dislike being the centre of attention. and so, i do not dislike crowds as much when i can be an "innocent" bystander as when i have to deal with being at everybody's focal point. it is not a result of being unhappy with what i have to put on display, but it is merely a feeling of not wanting to be judged. it doesn't matter to me if you judge me well, i simply dislike the act itself. and this is not something in regard to which i previously to this evening lived in complete oblivion, but still it was reinforced.

all the same this has been a splendid day. for many reasons in general and for one in particular. i now own the book. jag äger boken nu. det är som att hela jag skälver. hjärtat klappar, händerna darrar, ögonen stirrar. the anticipation is peaking beyond what could ever be considered resonable. but i am leaving it for tomorrow. a reason to long out of bed even before being completely aware of that i am becoming awake. to utterly embrace awakedness. to love a sunday. and yes, yet i already fear the moment of the last page. the chaos, the emptiness, the naked pain of once again becoming alone. just like when you kiss the person you love, but who you know all the same does not belong to you.