tiresome

how is it that some people fall so easily in love with others while the rest of us seem more inclined to just feel brief tinkles in the heart area that 98 times out of a hundered then simply go away? if some get to feel what i feel those 2 times basically all the time, then this world is not fair.

because people like me will do you wrong. we will meet you, fall for you, tell you that we want to see you again but then we will change our minds. and we have to find the way to say "no" without making it sound trivial, while at the same time not making it sound as if we believe it will be the end of your world. and sometimes this personal insight makes me not want to meet people. but then i have my moments when i decide that i have to try to change. and someone who is nice and good in every way becomes my new guinea pig. for this i am sorry.

i want the heart-wrenching passion which so far only has created chaos and despair in me. still i want it. i crave it. i want to find it with someone who will then mobilize the strength to stand fast by my side. i want to every day be amazed by the complete beauty that is you. i want to be in awe of you. i want to feel that i am the one who's trying to play out of my league. i want to be somewhat afraid. i don't ever want to play it safe. i want the heart-wrenching passion.

but i am tired of being always alone in my search for it. forgive me.