dizzyness

it has been the most intense emotional roller coaster of my life which didn't envolve relations with another living being. as i told you, i fell in love. and then i didn't hear from the person at whose mercy i found myself. but then i suddenly did. and i misunderstood her profoundly and i was floating with the stars. and then, of course, she made me crash. hard. completely lacking a parachute. and i had to be nice and friendly and focusing on selling myself while i was completely breaking apart inside. it was the one thing which i wasn't able to cope with. and finally i came home and i broke into a million wet little pieces. and my body shivvered and my mind went into eighty different directions and my eyes simlpy refused to dry up. it was as if three months of psychological stress came out all at once. i felt so incredibly small. or maybe insignificantly small.

then i was empty at work, dealing with a mind in chaos and a body which screamed for tea and a blanket and painkillers left at home. i was thus feeling physically sick. overall, a hell of a friday. and then she didn't call back on monday the way she promised and i tired out on society and then today, finally, she called and said it was mine. and i guess i was happy, but not at all in the way i was the first time around. i suppose now i am still sceptical and will remain so until both my and her names are on a certain contract. anyway, now i am hoping for the ability to focus somewhat more on studying and getting my academic life together. wish me disciplin. i'll need it.